Jason Shulman Tribute "beards - They Grow On You"

[RudderAuthority]

written by: Kristian M

Beards- They Grow On You

In today's world there are many young boys parading around us as if they are actually men. Those among us, who are actually men, in the same vein as lumberjacks, must come up with a way to separate ourselves from this crowd. Fortunately, there is a simple, fun , and effective way to be set apart all while projecting an aura of extreme manliness. Instead of grabbing one's crotch in public or refusing to wear a shirt around your friend, you only have to do one thing...grow a beard. A simply goatee or mustache that makes you look like a Frenchmen will not do as Frenchmen are gay. The only reason that Frenchmen have any facial hair at all is to remind them of their mothers. Not to mention in their schools they are having the children learn German 'just in case' Germany flies off the handle again. Third times a charm! Now back to beards. I am talking about growing a full-fledged Hasidic Jew Beard. Side burns are not required but highly encouraged.

Now you might be wondering why just growing a beard is enough to separate you from others. To answer this question all one needs to do is look at the list of real men who have had copious amounts of facial hair. The first one that comes to mind is Jesus. He had so much facial hair that looked like a fancy welcome mat that you get from the Pottery Barn. Now think about all of the great things that Jesus did in real life. He cured blindness, turned water into wine, and opened the gates of heaven from every soul on the planet. Do you think he could have done all of that without a beard? I think not!!!!! I mean Jesus was perfect, and we should imitate him in every conceivable way. He had a bear, and therefore everyone else should too. This early champion of the beard clearly proves that real men wear beards.

Beards were also proudly worn by every good pirate that ever sailed. Perhaps the best pirate to ever live, next to my personal friend Captain Morgan, is the infamous Blackbeard. He was so amazing that everyone should want to imitate him. You may be wondering what made him so cool. First he killed people. Killing people is high on the list of things that makes you cool. The only problem is that it is also high on the list of things that makes you wanted with the authorities. Secondly, Blackbeard can be credited for the modern sport of high diving. He reportedly made so many people walk the plank that he grew tired of people just jumping off the plank so he made them attempt twists and spins before they reached their horrible deaths. Without this early from of the sport we would have never have been able to see Greg Louganis hit his head in the 1988 Summer Games in Seoul, and that is one set of jokes that I am unwilling to part ways with. Lastly, Blackbeard lit his beard on fire to scare other people. Let me say this again to ensure that you get the full effect of this statement. He set, his beard, on fire. That is like setting a lawn on fire - a lawn that's on your face. Clearly, if you grow a beard you too can have a nickname that will go down in history, invent new sports, and you will get an excuse to play with fire. Everyone knows that if you get a chance to burn something you take it, the fact that it might be attached to your body is just a minor detail.

Chuck Norris has had a beard since the beginning of time. 'Nuff said.

Blackbeard, Jesus, and Chuck are certainly not the only individuals that have proven that a beard is only born by those extra special manly men. May I suggest that Mr. T i is yet another prime example of how a boy becomes a man if they have facial hair. Would Mr. T really have been able to pity any fool if his chin was bare? I dare say that everyone would have pitied him. We all know without a doubt that Mr. T's beard was the only reason that any of the A Team's plans came together. Just think about what would have happened if the A Team constantly failed its missions. Numerous family businesses would have been shaken down by the mob. Is that a fiction TV world that anyone would want to live in? I think not.

This should Be more than enough proof to illustrate that you need to grow a beard. The next issue that we must concern ourselves with is the matter of growing the facial hair itself. This is quite possibly the simplest part of the endeavor. Simply throw away your razor. Then wait four months and check in the mirror. You should now have a beard. If you are still having trouble just rub some Rogaine on your cheeks and chin (I would like everyone to please take the time to notice the excellent alliteration in the previous sentence). If you are Asian the Rogaine method will most likely be necessary. Time should take care of the rest.

Now that you have grown a beard you must take care of it. The one thing that few know is that facial hair is extremely itchy. You will need to buy a comb or small child to scratch it for you. The ownership of children may or may not be legal in the state in which you reside so please check the law before buying one. Midgets or carnies will work in a pinch, As their hands are small and nimble.

To define the parameters of the beard you must drag very sharp pieces of metal dangerously close to the veins in your neck. Apparently they call it 'shaving' with a 'razor'. If you buy the correct razor it should look very much like t he one that you threw away at the beginning of the growing process. The real question is just how many blades you want to cut yourself with the standard options are: one, two, three, four, and now, thanks to Satan, six. Keep in mind that the razor is for defining how far out your beard will go. To try and trim the facial hair itself with the razor will be painful and result in an exceptionally stupid looking beard.

Trimming options generally consist of eater scissors or actual beard trimmers. Both offer a unique set of possibilities. The scissors allow for greater individuality while the trimmers offer the promise of uniform length. I highly recommend using scissors to trim the original seven wonders of the Ancient World into your new and exciting beard. There are rumors that a weed whacker can be used in trimming facial hair but this is only wild speculation so trim at your own risk.

Now I hope that everyone sees the power of the beard. Clearly, every person that has ever had facial hair is superior to those that did not, and my exploration of the past more than proves this. Beards are also easy to acquire; all one must do is not shave. with this little effort required you cannot afford not to grow a beard!!!!! Then you have a world of amazing possibilities before you when it comes to trimming. There is simply no downside to having a great deal of facial hair. I would like to end my lobby for facial hair with a quote from Isaac Watts. He once said, "Roses grow on thorns and honey wears a sting." I am not really sure what this means, but I am sure that when he came up with it he had a beard. I am certain of it.

this is not intended to insult anybody.

[RC330LXFlya]

sorry but Isaac Watts didnt have a beard...haha, although that painting/drawing could have been before he grew his beard and stated that quote.

[JAS]

Before the current "look", here were a couple renditions of my "beard"...

Goat with extended Chu- Current
Goatless- TOC 2000 (and brothers wedding )
Extended goat- Summer 2002 (makes for a great play toy for kids)
Just Chu- Late Summer 2005
Plain ole Goat- TOC 2002

So who's next?

[flyin woodbutcher]

I'll go next, not much into shaving in the winter. Pic without and one with.

[G limit]

"Wolfman"!! I don't call you that for nothing! I love you man!
Old Dawg
Team Vegas Forever

[Toro]

Take a look @ NHL players during playoff, and Stanley Cup time.... Hmmmmmmm perhaps they're on to something.....

[MommaD]

Brilliant writing Chris...

[wizard]

Chris that's great. Having sported a beard for more years than I would like to admit, I can add a few things.

When you trim your beard, try not to trim it too close. If you trim it very short then the soft feeling beard becomes more like a bristle brush. Women don't like that.

If you have a long beard it can be used when giving your woman a back rub to gently stroke her back and give her the "chills" Long hair also works well for this.

Two words: Thigh Tickler.

Lastly one of the great old time country entertainers Mini Pearl said the following about kissing men with beads --- "You always have to go through the brush to get to the picnic."

[pitviper51]

well said, it reminded me not to chop off my almost inch of fur tonight.. heheh
mike