JOKES,JOKES AND MORE JOKES

[Redneck Shaun]

Ok guys it's been awhile since we had a good jokes thread.And right now I could use the humor . So I thought I would light the fire on one more.

Note: PLEASE KEEP IT PG-13 !!!!!! I don't want Max trying putting me in a head lock!!!.

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[wendifab]

CHrIstMas coMicS

[wizard]

Well, It is that time of year.

[JimC-MD]

Versions of this have been around for a while, but I really like this one. Enjoy.

CHILDREN

For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is
not funny. For those who have children nearing this age,
this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children,
this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin,
Texas:

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO
KIDDING):

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000
sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman
underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough,
however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan
is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan
can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh,"
it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of
it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the
movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of
a 4-year-old.

11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.

12. Super glue is forever

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool
you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic
toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First
grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was
reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I
think he said... 'Holy s**t! A talking pig!'"! The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES.

Grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your
children.

[exeter_acres]

Happy Holidays

[Tim_Indy]

True Story:
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY....HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).


He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter..and of course, all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG....and of course, the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on....something for the decoys to float on.

Now, making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow; blink; start waving their arms; and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics; grabs the shotgun; and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot....hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused....and of course terrified...thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover.......UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end; he yelps; drops the dynamite under the truck; and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake...leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is doing fine. And you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.

[crazyextra]

Here are some comics!!