Changing the oil (men vs women)

[ShortBus]

I had a friend send this to me, hope you get a kick out of it...

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $35.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $36.00

Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10 ) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20 ) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28 ) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30 ) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38 ) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40 ) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

[wizard]

With the exception of # 27 (I don't have any bowling trophies),#36 on, then substitute whiskey in Mt. Dew for the beer and that sounds like a lot of days I can remember.

[Jaybird]

You forgot the part about backing off of the ramps without removing the bucket of used oil. 5 quarts makes a much bigger stain in the barn than what you would think!

[Vic3D]

wow...hilarious..

[dmichael]

You haven't been to Jiffy Lube lately if you think you can get out of there for only $35....

[Do-rag]

or in 15 minutes

[Jaybird]

Guess were lucky down here, I bitched the other day because they charged me 27 bucks. Less than 10 minutes and you dont even get out of the truck.

[Pro1Foam]

	Quote: Originally Posted by wizard
	then substitute whiskey in Mt. Dew for the beer and that sounds like a lot of days I can remember.

Mmm, Jim and Dew necter, a mixture from the Gods!! Keep a gallon the the freezer and a 2 liter in the fridge at ALL times!!

[wizard]

	Quote: Originally Posted by Pro1Foam
	Mmm, Jim and Dew necter, a mixture from the Gods!! Keep a gallon the the freezer and a 2 liter in the fridge at ALL times!!

Yep, I just refer to it as "Mt. Jim" enough sugar and caffeine to make for a wide awake drunk.

[sdurnal]

I have to add a little 90wt to the diff on my old wore-out plane hauler about 2-3 times a year. Well the ground was damp, (since the van no longer fits in the garage) so I took it to jiffy lube for them to do it. They said sure, no problem.
About 5 minutes later they came up to me and said they couldn't find a tool, and said they would have to remove the isolater/vibration damper from the housing.
I told them I've done it many times without removing anything. I then went to my tool box and handed them a 3/8 breaker bar, which they looked at puzzled.
I guess if an air ratchet or impact doesn't fit, they can't figure how to work on it.
(nearly the same thing happens when I try to get the manual trans filled, they want me to open the hood) hehe