JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

[Chris]

So these 4 Catholic nuns die in a tragic car crash. They find themselves at the gates of heaven. Along comes St. Peter to welcome them all.

St. Peter: "Hello ladies. Glad you all made it. We hadn't planed to see all of you so soon, but thats not important. Whats important is that you're all here and about to enter heaven for all eternity. Your life's work of teaching the word of god and sacrificing so much has paid off."

The 4 nuns are all very excited and can't WAIT to go into heaven.

St. Peter continues, "Ladies we made a change to the rules last week and I'll just have to ask each of you a few questions before I can let you into heaven. Think of it as a 'last confession' before entering heaven. God decided that we had to make sure all the sins were confessed and all the souls were clean before we could let anyone in. So, if I could just have each of you come over and talk to me privately, I'll hear your last confession and then we'll be all set to open the gates and let each of you in."

So the first nun comes up to St. Peter and she's looking quite embarrassed. Her face is red as a rose and she's shaking just a bit. St. Peter reassures her that it's okay and this is all just a formality. She's getting into heaven--he just can't let her in with any sins on her soul.

So she says, "Well St. Peter, the only thing I really have to confess is that I accidentally saw Father John stepping out of the shower last week. And I did take a bit of a long look at him."

St. Peter asks her, "Is that all?"

"Oh yes St. Peter. Thats all," she says.

St. Peter waves his arm over his head and snaps his fingers. An angel comes over with a large bowl of holy water and presents it to the nun. "Put your hand in there, sister. And sprinkle a little bit of this holy water in your eyes. For your penance, I'll need 5 Hail Marys and 5 of the Lords Prayer," St. Peter explains.

So the nun dips her hand in the water and sprinkles it in her eyes. She kneels down before St. Peter and says the prayers. When she is finished, the angels sing and the bells ring and St. Peter opens the gates of heaven and lets her in. "WELCOME TO HEAVEN, SISTER!!"

No the 2nd nun steps up and she's looking worse than the first nun. St. Peter once again assures her that this is all just a formality and that she has nothing to worry about. She relaxes a bit and begins to tell St. Peter her last confession. "St. Peter, " she says, "I just have one sin to confess. I touched Father Johns penis last week."

St. Peter again raises his arm and motions for the angel to come over with the holy water.

"Which hand did you touch his penis with, sister?" St. Peter asks.

She holds up her left hand, "This one."

"Alright sister. Put your hand in this bowl of holy water and swish it around. Swish it around REAL good and I'll need you to say 10 Hail Marys and 10 of the Lords Prayer," says St. Peter.

So she swishes her hand and she says her prayers. The angels sing and the bells ring. St. Peter opens the gates of heaven and says, "WELCOME TO HEAVEN!!!"

Now St. Peter looks up to call the 3rd nun, but she and the 4th nun are having a fist fight!! It's a knock-down dragout brawl. They're pulling hair and kicking each other. St. Peter is shocked!!

"LADIES!! LADIES!! LADIES!! CALM DOWN IMMEDIATELY!!" he barks. "What is going on? Why are you fighting?"

One of the nuns looks up at St. Peter and yells at him, "I'm NOT going into details St. Peter!! But I want to gargle some of that holy water before SHE (points at other nun) sticks her ASS in that bowl!!"

[wizard]

Just a friendly reminder folks. Keep it PG-13. I would hate to see this one get locked down.

[Chris]

Did ya hear the one about the Polish graffiti artist?
He got his start on chain link fences.

Why do women wear perfume and make-up?
Because they're ugly and they stink.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

[Chris]

	Quote: Originally Posted by wizard
	Just a friendly reminder folks. Keep it PG-13. I would hate to see this one get locked down.

I know. I just couldn't resist.

But consider that the modern 13yr old knows more about sex and filthy language than I do!!

[thewrap]

	Quote: Originally Posted by main_gears_bent
	Lol, ok. How about this one? If you have sex with a hooker against her will is it rape, or shoplifting?

That's funny I don't care who you are that's funny right there.

[main_gears_bent]

I thank you.

[adrian]

	Quote: Originally Posted by TazmanianDevil
	Well some times to the bone. LOL we didn't see each other for a very long time, we need to something about it! Best regards to your dad, miss him!

hope so too, TAS - my dad is back from all the travels and we can go and fly some - will see you soon!!!

[whiteknuckleairlines]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice...

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?
They dont know when to shut up.

[whiteknuckleairlines]

A large jet liner flying over the pacific ocean loses both of its engines. The pilot comes onto the PA and says "passengers, we are about to crash into the ocean. You all have about 5 minutes to live"

For a few seconds the passengers sit in stunned silence, when suddenly a woman stands up and says "If i'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Who on this plane is man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die"

5 rows back a man stands up and says "I am". He then unbuttons his shirt, takes it off and tosses it to the woman and says "Go wash that."

[buttface]

yea

[TazmanianDevil]

Nice, I like.

What is a "women status"...the two tiles near the sink

What is a women point of view...the landscape from the kitchen window

[Chris]

Q: Why do women have short feet.
A: Gets them closer to the kitchen sink, and the stove, and the washing machine, and the ironing board, and, and, and, and...............

Q: How do ya get a one-armed Polok out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.

Q: How do you stop 5 black men from raping a white woman?
A: Toss them a basketball.