Chuck Norris one liners...

[Sandbag Special]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

[quentonious]

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

[Hitec625]

If there was a fight between Chuck Norris and GOD, who would win? Trick question. Chuck Norris is GOD

It is said that everytime GOD masturbates he kills a cat. It is said that everytime Chuck Norris masturbates he kills a lion.

[Jaybird]

This is some funny stuff!

[Kevin Y]

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

[Sandbag Special]

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

[mikeyj86]

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His
spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take **** from anybody.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

[mikeyj86]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[Sandbag Special]

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

[Sandbag Special]

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

[mikeyj86]

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

[mikeyj86]

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.