lame joke thread

[~SnApRoLl]

Chores on the Farm:
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

[~SnApRoLl]

2 guys were hunting in the deep woods of West Virginia and hunter number 1 started clinching his chest and keeled over. Hunter number 2 quickly called 911 and explained to the 911 operator, look my hunting buddy just fell down while holding his chest I think he is dead. The operator asked him to stay calm and make sure he is dead, the hunter replied hold on a minute and I'll make sure. after a few seconds of silence a gun shot was heard and hunter got back on the phone and said ok he's dead! now what?

[50%plane]

	Quote: Originally Posted by ~SnApRoLl
	2 guys were hunting in the deep woods of West Virginia and hunter number 1 started clinching his chest and keeled over. Hunter number 2 quickly called 911 and explained to the 911 operator, look my hunting buddy just fell down while holding his chest I think he is dead. The operator asked him to stay calm and make sure he is dead, the hunter replied hold on a minute and I'll make sure. after a few seconds of silence a gun shot was heard and hunter got back on the phone and said ok he's dead! now what?

True story!!

[~SnApRoLl]

I heard that one from an uncle in good O'l W.V.

[~SnApRoLl]

I was at the local 7-11 and saw a woman putting gas in her car, after she was done she got in her car and lit a cigarette and she must have gotten some gas on her arm becouse her arm caught on fire. She got scared and ran toward the store when a police officer was walking out he pulled his gun and shot her. It was freaky.
The officer was interviewed on the 10 o'clock news and was asked why he shot her, he replied, she pointed a firearm at me.

[Vic3D]

	Quote: Originally Posted by ~SnApRoLl
	Chores on the Farm: A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

LOL!!!!

[~SnApRoLl]

Ok I heard this one from my 7 year old son

What do you get when you cross a Seagull, a Cadillac and a Poodle?........................................... .................................................. ...












A flying car pet

[Vic3D]

Confusious says: Baseball is all wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

[MrKiwi]

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[~SnApRoLl]

I was at new Irish diner and I asked what the soup of the day was and the owner Mrs. O'Brien said in a very thick Irish accent; Ay' and how might you be laddy? The soup of the day would be two hundred and thirty nine bean soup. Well I thought I'd try something new and ordered the bean soup and it was very delicious. After eating, I complimented the owner on the good food and asked why she called it two hundred and thirty nine bean soup? She replied Ay' if I added one more bean it would be two farty.

[DUR DA DUR]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
__________________________________________________ ______________________________
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
__________________________________________________ ________________________
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

[DUR DA DUR]

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'