Texas Chilli contest

[jonkoppisch]

This has probably been posted but.....




If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park .. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York, NY.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Shiner Bach truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
========================================
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap! What the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting snot-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK ! ! MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP
REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing because it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of this excellent brew was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Sally, the beer maid, is giving him CPR but he keeps sticking his toung down her throat. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

[thewrap]

Hey it's true. No pansy can just come into Texas and think that our chili is not hot. Go Texans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rdgood]

YA know there are some folks who are just plain whimpy when it comes to eating real good chili.. everyone knows if it doesnt have jalapeno peppers in it then it just aint chili!!!

FWIW - I make my own salsa-with habeneros!!

Ronster

[Boulder]

LOL!!

Let me take a gander at the sauces I currently have in my fridge, these are just the 3 hottest, the others are mere "toppers" for my eggs in the morning.

"Dave's Insanity", Hot with a good habenero flavor.

"Possible Side Effects", Close to the same heat as Dave's, not as flavorful, just heat.

"Hot Sauce from Hell...Devil's Revenge...Beyond Hell", Some pretty hot stuff...if you're not careful you could easily lose your breath with these sauces.

Keep in mind these sauces aren't something I would put on chips and eat, these are used for cooking only.

Texas chili??? I just may need to take a shot at one of those contests

BTW: Yep...I do realize there's more to a great bowl of chili than heat

[pitviper51]

for one,, if a food is so spicy you cant taste the other stuff in the food..... what is the point.. i like a good zing, with a hickory smoked favor, but not..
mike

[jonkoppisch]

	Quote:
	Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

I love it

[Boulder]

	Quote: Originally Posted by pitviper51
	for one,, if a food is so spicy you cant taste the other stuff in the food..... what is the point.. i like a good zing, with a hickory smoked favor, but not.. mike

That's why I only use the real Hot sauces in cooking, not as a condiment

As a matter of fact, I'm using a little El Yucateco Chipotle sauce on a slab of roast I'm eating right now. Great addition of flavor with a bit of ZING...

[thewrap]

I have a funny story about Habaneros. My Step Brother and Step Father found a habanero plant in our backyard. Decided to try one. Both started to hiccup they were so spicy. We had one at school, smart ass kids decided to try some, (Janitor was hispanic dared them to.) One threw up several times had to go to hospital. Others were crying. Only eat mine in chili now.

[WangoTango]

	Quote: Originally Posted by Boulder
	That's why I only use the real Hot sauces in cooking, not as a condiment As a matter of fact, I'm using a little El Yucateco Chipotle sauce on a slab of roast I'm eating right now. Great addition of flavor with a bit of ZING...

Yeah Boulder,
You are down there in Del Rio where the folks know how to find the afterburner in their food! I went bird hunting there a few years ago and met Mama Flamada at our hunting lodge. I think she was somewhat of a local cooking legend there. If you had any cool weather there she could cook you up a little something that had some special salsa on it that would really stick to your ribs!!
Bon Apetite, Ya'll!
WT

[Boulder]

	Quote: Originally Posted by WangoTango
	Yeah Boulder, You are down there in Del Rio where the folks know how to find the afterburner in their food! I went bird hunting there a few years ago and met Mama Flamada at our hunting lodge. I think she was somewhat of a local cooking legend there. If you had any cool weather there she could cook you up a little something that had some special salsa on it that would really stick to your ribs!! Bon Apetite, Ya'll! WT

I haven't had any of her food yet, but that's something I'm going to have to look for. Thanks for the info!!

[Mark Davis]

If you're eating Texas chili and you're not sweating, it's not Texas chili... Part of the reason Shiner Bock was invented... To put out the fire from the chili...

[Do-rag]

Hey Boulder I have a few souces myself. Let me know if you have ever tried any of them. They are listed from hottest to mild

Dave insanity reserve 1998

Sudden Death

100% Pain

[WangoTango]

	Quote: Originally Posted by Do-rag
	Hey Boulder I have a few sauces myself. Let me know if you have ever tried any of them. They are listed from hottest to mild Dave insanity reserve 1998 Sudden Death 100% Pain

Boulder & Do-rag,
I've heard of all three of these milder versions........ While Dave's Insanity Reserve is rather new, Sudden Death is quite palatable and delightful when mixed with Terlingua Napalm, circa 1984. The children at the local daycare eat the 100% Pain for an afternoon snack. I myself am sampling a wonderful blend known as "*** Happened to My Retinas" as we speak...... I'll be getting back to the both of you momentarily. My intestines seem to be in somewhat of a nuclear meltdown presently and I need to go to the shop and have my throat augured out with a recip-saw so I'll stop sweating......
WT

[Boulder]

	Quote: Originally Posted by Do-rag
	Hey Boulder I have a few souces myself. Let me know if you have ever tried any of them. They are listed from hottest to mild Dave insanity reserve 1998 Sudden Death 100% Pain

I haven't tried the reserve, that might be worth giving a shot! Sudden Death, yes I've tried it, I didn't like the taste as well as some of the others, If it's the one I'm thinking of, it had a little too much vinager taste for me. KInd of like the difference between Franks Red Hot and Tabasco, I like the flavor of Franks for an everyday sauce.

I don't remember ever trying 100% Pain, sounds interesting though

I've tried a bunch of sauces, I even became a distributor for Southwest Specialtiy Foods just so I can try some new ones

[jonkoppisch]