Be Strong, Honey

[fiskfan2772]

A convict has escaped from prison, and while on the run he breaks into a house. He goes into the bedroom and discovers a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. He then goes over to the bed, leans over the woman and kisses her on the neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.
The husband whispers over to his wife "Honey, l'm so sorry, but do whatever he asks of you. He's obviously a dangerous criminal; look at his prison uniform. He probably hasn't been with a woman in ages. l saw him kiss your neck. Please, just give him what he wants, no matter how repulsed you are, so he doesn't kill us both. Be strong Honey, l love you!"
The wife whispers back, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He thinks your cute and wanted to know if we had any Vaseline. l told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, Honey. l love you"

[Greyhoundman]

thats just wrong

[alfycat]

Eating your own words is allways hard!!!!!!!!

[Mike Busutil]

So once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit walking through the forest and they bumped into a fairy and she said "I'll give you both three wishes."
So the bear goes "Ok I wish every bear in this forest was a girl except for me."
So the fairy grants it.
Then the rabbit goes "I wish for a helmet!"
So she grants it.
Then the bear goes "I wish every bear in the USA was a girl except for me."
So the fairy grants it. Then the rabbit goes, "I wish for a fast motorcycle."
She grants it.
Then on the last one the bear goes "I wish every bear in the world was a girl except for me." Then the rabbit goes "I wish this bear was gay."
The fairy grants it and the rabbit rides off.

[Mike Busutil]

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

[Mike Busutil]

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the
insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside
chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the
fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the
eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

[thewrap]

A guy goes to the doctor complaining about headaches the doctor say I've got good news and bad news.
The guy says whats the good news.
Well we can relieve your headaches but we are going to have to remove your testicals.
After the surgery the guy is feeling down and goes out to buy a suit.
He walks in and talks to the salesman saying I just lost a part of my self I want the best of everything.
The salesman replies no problem I've been doing this for along time.
So they start with the shirt.
The salesman looks at him and says you need this one.
Sure enough perfect fit the guy is floored says he wants a new jacket and tie.
Samething salesman looks him over and again perfect fit.
Next he goes for pants says you need 34-37.
Perfect fit.
Since he's going all out he asks for underwear.
Salesman says you need 32's.
Guy says ahha I fooled you I've been wearing 29's.
Salesman says no, 29's will cause your testicals to ride up causing terrible headaches.

I heard this one a while ago and thought it was funny.

[fiskfan2772]

Might as well just keep this one going, instead of a new thread....

Little Johnny and Lucy are both 10 years old and madly in love. So much in fact, they are already sure they want to marry. Johnny thinks the right thing to do would be to go to Lucy's Dad to ask for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr Smith, Lucy and l are in love, and l want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are both only 10. Where will you both live?"
Without skipping a beat, Johnny replies "ln Lucy's room. lt's bigger than mine, and we can both fit in there nicely."
Still thinking this is adorable, Mr Smith asks with a big grin "Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job, so how will you support yourselves?"
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Lucy makes 5 bucks a week, and l get 10. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
Mr Smith is very impressed Johnny has put so much thought into this. "Well, Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out. l have just one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr Smith no longer thinks the little $#it is so adorable....

[FENWAYFLYER]

I woman is in a the local Carpet Depot bends over to feel a piece of carpet and farts. She turns to her surprize to see the salesman standing behind her. Thewoman says how much is this carpet. The salesmans says. You farted when you touched it your gonna **** when you hear the price.

[go29kev]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? "Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorceCourt Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every nowand then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Idon't like the l ooks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe
in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed adisplay of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or anall-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care

[FENWAYFLYER]

A mounted police officer trots up to a boy on his bike, and says, son how long have you been riding bickes. The boys replies 8 yrs. The cop says you don't know much about bikes do you. The boy says why is that. The cop states that it was illegal to ride a bike without reflextors. So the boy said Sr. how long have you been riding horses. The cop says all my life 38 yrs. The boys says well then you should of known the dick should be underneath the horse.

[Road Builder]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap together in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "do you have any trouble with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied "No." So the bear wiped his a$$ with the rabbit.